Experiencing Abstinence Reflection
I created this hermeneutic reflection for my graduate addictions class at the University of Rochester. Our professor asked us to give up something for a month and write about it. I chose to give up coffee. I have displayed my reflection below.
Experiencing Abstinence Reflection
Introduction
The purpose of this paper is to provide a hermeneutic reflection on my experience of attending abstinence through the month of February 2024. I will also describe how I believe this abstinence may inform my dealings with future clients who may also be trying to quit or reduce their addictive substance or behavior. For this experiment, I chose to abstain from coffee, electing to limit my normal four or more cups a day habit to only one cup. I also decided to replace any desire for additional coffee with cups of tea.
Pre-abstinence Routine
Before describing my experience abstaining I believe it is important for me to describe my former coffee intake and its important role in my daily life and routines. Coffee for me was more than a beverage; it is linked closely with meaningful actions in my life. For example, the first thing I would do after waking every morning was to have a cup of coffee. I would sit, either in bed or at our kitchen table and use this experience of drinking coffee to wake up, it would provide me with around 20 minutes of personal solitude and reflection as I did this each day.
I would then shower, get dressed, then have a snack for breakfast. After this I would pour my second cup of coffee as I began work. I would usually then work until lunchtime, then after lunch, pour another cup of coffee and continue working until mid afternoon. At which time I would pour my fourth cup of coffee to keep me awake at this mid afternoon mark.
On top of these solitary rituals, I would also use coffee for social events. Often when hanging out with friends, our activity of choice would be to go get a coffee to talk and catch up. It provided us a reason to interact and a place to go, the coffee shop. I would also, when commuting, either in the car or on the subway in Manhattan, often fill up my thermo flask with hot coffee and bring it with me as I traveled, the sipping throughout the commute provided a soothing satisfaction. During the cold months, the coffee would warm me up, during the hot months, the cold brew or iced coffee would cool me down. Coffee played a major role in my life.
Abstinence and Cravings
When considering abstaining from coffee I was not confident that I would be able to do it. I felt that the personal and social routines and my physiological need for coffee was so strong that I would fail immediately if I tried to quit “cold turkey”. So I decided to reduce my intake of coffee to one coffee a day, the morning one, which I felt was the most critical for my functioning. I also decided to have a cup of English breakfast tea instead at any time during the rest of the day when I felt I really needed a coffee.
One of the first things I noticed in this experiment was cravings. My one cup of coffee in the morning wasn't enough, and by mid morning I would be craving another cup. The ritual of sitting at my work desk without that second cup of coffee by my side left me feeling empty and longing. I would try and replace it with tea and it just wasn’t the same. I actually began to dislike tea and resent it, for not being coffee.
Triggers, Headaches and Fatigue
These cravings weren’t limited to just the second cup, but popped up numerous times throughout the day, often when certain trigger events occurred. Triggers included being at certain locations, for example any time I sat at my work desk, when interacting with my friends or family, when planning to drive in the car, when seeing someone else with a cup of coffee in their hand, when I smelled coffee, when I was bored, when I was lonely, when I needed a break and to relax, when I was cold, when I was exhausted, or when I started thinking about coffee, like now writing this paper. Along with the triggers, in moments throughout the day, I would feel physiological symptoms such as headaches and fatigue and found myself more frequently napping during the day.
Irritability and Isolation
On top of these cravings one thing I also noticed was that I became irritable. I was now short tempered, easily frustrated and more negative in my outlook. My thinking also became clouded, I realized I had been relying on coffee to keep me mentally sharp, but now, I didn’t have a magic trick to push aside any fatigue. I had to be more patient and simply wait it out when I wasn’t feeling mentally alert, I couldn't get a quick fix with coffee.
I also felt incredibly isolated in this experience. I mentioned my abstinence exercise to my partner, but she didn't seem to recognize my need for support as I had hoped. I neglected to ask her directly for support really since I didn't want to bother her and didn’t want to sound needy or vulnerable. I did not tell any of my friends or family about this abstinence, probably for the same reasons. I often felt like I had no one who could understand or help support me. I really could have used a better support system for this.
It is possible that the cravings, triggers and irritability lessened in severity over the four week period of abstinence, but here I am at the end of the abstinence period and I am dreaming of coffee.
Coping and Lifestyle Modifications
I had to make modifications to my lifestyle to manage the cravings. It wasn’t enough to just switch in a tea as a replacement, as previously mentioned, the tea actually became extremely dissatisfying and a reminder that I couldn’t have coffee. Modifications included actually changing my morning routine. I decided to delay the intake of my first morning beverage until after my shower, breakfast and getting dressed, hoping that by confusing the routine my body would long less for coffee.
For the final ten days or so of abstinence, I actually decided to forgo the one morning coffee. The one in the morning was so enjoyable that it made me angry that I wasn’t allowed to have more, so instead I switched to having a morning tea, in the hope I could accelerate coffee’s exit from my lifestyle.
I also found myself eating more food to cope. I seemed to unconsciously have replaced having a coffee with having a snack as a way to self-soothe. As a more positive coping mechanism, I found myself messaging my friends and partner during the times I would normally have coffee. However, this was insufficient compared to the comprehensive social support I needed. Another positive was that I also decided to drink more cups of water to cope, and often would refill my flask with water instead of making another coffee. I also think that by the last week or so my sleep has improved, I have been falling asleep much better and having very vivid dreams that I have remembered upon waking up.
Reflection
Overall the experience has been difficult. Coffee has had far reaching effects into the structures of my life, activities and social relations. It was more than a simple beverage, it was a support system that kept things in place. Learning to live without coffee has been like learning to live in a broadly new way as it impacted so many parts of my life. I am pleased that I have stopped now and actually plan to continue to abstain. I worry that I will relapse or start consuming excessive amounts of tea as a kind of replacement. Only time will tell if I am successful in removing coffee and limiting caffeine to an extent that supports my health goals.
Informing Clinical Practice
Participating in this experience has given me newfound appreciation for what my client may have to go through. It helps me realize how substance or process addiction may play a vital supporting role in my clients’ life. Their addiction may permeate many aspects of their life and is not isolated to certain times or places, it is networked in to affect their entire routine, social interactions and support systems.
Clients attempting to abstain may experience cravings that can be overwhelming and incredibly challenging to manage. They may be presented with situational triggers where seemingly normal situations, thoughts or times of day can bring intense feelings. Clients may have physiological symptoms, including but not limited to headache or fatigue. Clients also may be angry or irritable or have other mood alterations due to their abstinence. Clients may need to make changes to their lifestyle, minor and major, such as different wake times, or coping mechanisms, all the way to new relationships, hobbies or belief systems.
Abstaining from substance use seems to be a whole person experience that touches on seemingly every part of the individual's life and reaches out to disrupt all the environmental systems and relationships connected to them. It is a difficult journey, and without adequate support and evidence-based strategies, relapse can be a significant risk.
